Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant

Now that the Indy legend is undergoing a fourth airing, nearly two decades after the last outing of film's most famous archaeologist, it is of course time for porn to throw its fedora into the ring. The tradition of porn parodying pop culture is as old as pop culture -- maybe a year or two younger -- and Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant is here to take up where San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon, Indiana Mack 1 and 2, Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammon, Indiana Joan in the Golden Triangle, and three or four variations on Raiders of the Lost Arse left off.

Carolina Jones is better appointed and more ambitious than any of its predecessors; as usual in an Adam and Eve movie, some effort has been expended on the sets and locations (in terms of sumptuousness if not accuracy), more attention than in the average porn movie. It would be churlish to pick at the movie too much about its minor peccadilloes -- I will pick a little, but not much -- because the rest of it carries Carolina Jones as far as it needs to go. It seems to have been filmed in Eastern Europe somewhere -- the director could have leaned on location and scenery more than he did for color, but the castles and temples and mansions and whatnot were entirely sufficient to the day.

Carolina Jones is the story of Indy's daughter (explicitly stated in the film, although not explained much beyond that), an adventuress in her own right and someone with as mysterious a past as her celebrated dad. Some of her previous adventures are hinted at in the course of the movie, but wisely left vague; a good chunk of what there is of the plot rests on that and the mystique of the actual Indiana Jones movies -- Carolina's one and only former lover has sold the Ark of the Covenant, originally discovered and captured for the US government by her father, and she's on the trail, hoping to find it before Nazis (or possibly Communists) unleash its power on an unsuspecting world. Along the way, she picks up a sidekick, one Dixie, a country-fried trollop with a goofy fiancé in tow and a knack for mischievous fuckery. Will they track down the Ark, rescue it from Nazis (or possibly Communists), and save the day? Watch and see.

Carolina (Ava Rose) meets Dixie (Brea Olson) in the process of rescuing her from a pair of bloodthirsty cultists intent on doing something dastardly with the blonde's curvy body. It could be something that requires a virgin sacrifice, but we never find out. Nikky Blond and Steve Holmes couple like stoats over her bound body in some sort of temple, a torchlit little bower that also has electric outlets. Blonde, busty Nikky is pretty fierce, and the two perform next to their unwilling spectator, banging away in missionary and RCG before he splashes a load across her face. Carolina puts a drill through the back of his head -- I will say nothing about the special effects -- and she and Dixie make their escape.

A harrowing hitchhike later, they're outside the mansion of Carolina's sort of goofy ex, John Brody (James Brossman), who is disporting himself with a hooker (Roxy Panther). Their tryst, which is intercut a little with Brea's time in the guardroom with the sentry she has to fuck in order to distract him from Carolina's clandestine entry into the castle grounds, is well-lit and competent, if not remarkable. Neither of them really speaks English, so there's no interesting talk, and the positions are pretty standard. Brea's scene is much more interesting, if only because it has Brea in it. We get to see an excellent and very lengthy blowjob, with plenty of hot talk, and then some great down-home fucking. Brea fingers her ass and bounces up a storm on the lucky guard, gets fucked in RCG, spoon and missionary and takes big pop on the face.

Back in the master's bedroom, Hooker #1 has tied Brody up and is just in the process of finishing him up with a blowjob when Carolina steals in and takes her place. She tortures the bound Brody with a little boiling water, extracts the information she needs, and leaves, but not without covering his junk with honey and smashing his ant colony, leaving him to the mercies of the outsized formicidae.

On the way to Israel -- that's where the Ark has buggered off to -- Carolina has a little heart-to-heart with Dixie, revealing her true identity and that of her father and the fact that she's only ever had one lover. Dixie's advice -- to get laid -- doesn't sink in until later, when Carolina reflects on the vicissitudes of a life well but chastely spent and decides that it's time to fuck the houseboy. David Perry does a good job of reintroducing her to the pleasures of the flesh in the movie's one romantic scene. It's nice and gentle for the couples, but hardcore enough to pass muster with the solitary jerker, especially if he or she is an Ava Rose fan. Ava definitely enjoys the scene and gets some good dirty talk in, especially at the end during the popshot, which she takes on the chest.

It's my policy not to spoil the end of a plot-based movie, so I'll keep mum about this one; it's not a particularly tricky or spectacular finish, but it deserves its day. Very near the end, we meet Dixie's fiancée Rick (Karim) -- she left him at the altar in Paris, apparently -- who provides a little comic relief, and the three of them muddle through the denouement, only to have one final scene together. The movie's only threesome, with Ava, Brea and Karim, ties everything up nicely, with some great footage of the girls, the only anal to be found in the film, and a rollicking orgasm from Brea -- she loves, it turns out, the ass-fucking. Brea's a firecracker, and she pretty much outshines Ava in this last scene, with her squealing, filthy-mouthed, leg shivering climax. Karim blows his load all over the two girls' faces, as would you if you had the chance, and the credits roll.

Watching any porn movie with a historical setting is always a trial if you have any knowledge of history -- you wonder why somebody couldn't have done a little research. You have to clamp down on that, though, tuck it away in the tiny corner of your heart where you keep your advice to friends about what year the millennium really happened in and how to pronounce “nuclear”, or what a covenant is. You have to just let it go. Thus, my only complaint about Carolina Jones, if you don't count gritting my teeth privately over a courtyard full of guards wearing SS shoulder-flashes and carrying Russian weapons in what is supposed to be a town in Israel (not Palestine, mind you),  is that it could have benefited greatly from the use of some of porn's top actors. It's the rare Adam and Eve movie that doesn't have Evan Stone, Steven St. Croix, and/or Randy Spears in the principal male roles. You don't appreciate how much those guys add to a porn movie until you see one that clearly needs them. The use of a bunch of low-budget Europeans who can't act or even really deliver lines gives the movie a remote feeling, and takes away from the effect Adam and Eve got from the convincing settings. It doesn't take enough away from it to pass up Carolina Jones, especially if you're a fan of either Ava Rose or Brea Lynn, both of whom put up great performances, Brea in particular.

Now that the Indy legend is undergoing a fourth airing, nearly two decades after the last outing of film's most famous archaeologist, it is of course time for porn to throw its fedora into the ring. The tradition of porn parodying pop culture is as old as pop culture -- maybe a year or two younger -- and Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant is here to take up where San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon, Indiana Mack 1 and 2, Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammon, Indiana Joan in the Golden Triangle, and three or four variations on Raiders of the Lost Arse left off.... Read the Full Review!