The House Boat

Although there is a houseboat in this movie, it could well have been named "The Bookstore" or even "The Pimp's Apartment," since those are also locations in which sex takes place. If you were looking forward to hot houseboat-centric fuckery, though, you should go to Horny Houseboat Housewives, or Boathouse Tushy #5, both of which I will get right to making after I finish this review. The real focus of the movie is Brea Lynn's big tits, which are like a pair of luscious softballs encased in supple golden flesh. They, and the rest of Brea, are in four of the six scenes in The House Boat (more, in fact, than the house boat itself).

Like most Vivid movies, The House Boat doesn't have a plot so much as it has a situation, a set of circumstances. Van Damage plays a lonely bookstore owner who keeps seeing a girl around his neighborhood (or he thinks he does), and can't get his mind off her. There are some subplots, including a hooker/pimp thread that serves to illustrate how many hookers there are in the neighborhood of the bookstore (or possibly in the neighborhood of the house boat), and a possible relationship with a flirty neighbor, played by Jenaveve Jolie, who is as hot here as I have ever seen her, and I have seen her a lot. There's also a hint of some sort of loan-sharking trouble for Van, with Paul Thomas appearing, ironically, in a scene that advances the story, if only fractionally.

Brea Lynn plays a streetwalker, the object of Van Damage's sometimes confusing fantasies -- after he sees her walking down the street, he fantasizes about watching her have sex with Tommy Gunn. After that -- presumably this is not a fantasy sequence - Brea asks Van if she can use his office to have sex with her cop boyfriend/pimp. Oddly, he says yes, and she does. Van's walk home is peppered with hookers, who appear later in a scene with the hilariously grim and pimpy Nick Manning, a threesome between professionals. When he gets home, he finds that he has forgotten his keys, and he calls neighbor Jenaveve Jolie, who lets him into the marina in return for some oral sex, after which she leaves him hanging, not to return until Van brings Brea home when she gets beaten up by her pimp.

The marquee threesome ensues, with Jenaveve and Brea doubleteaming Van, after which there is one weirdly abortive sex scene with just Brea and Van, which starts out looking like it's going to be the big they-finally-get-together scene but which lasts less than three minutes, is oddly and disjointedly edited, and involves less than thirty seconds of actual sex, climaxing in a thematically unsatisfactory blow job. After the final beej, Brea disappears; the next time Van sees her, it's a brief glimpse on the street, but when he chases after her, poof -- she's gone, just like Keyser Soze except with bigger tits. Who was she, and where did she go? Was she even a real girl, or is Van Damage some kind of head case? Hard to say.

On the plus side: lots of pretty sex, a couple of great threesomes, Jenaveve Jolie looking spectacular, a delightful sufficiency of Brea Lynn's great breasts, some anal for those who like it, a squirting scene with Angela Stone and Poppy Morgan, the likeable Van Damage, and porn stars buying books (Robert Lowell and Saki, if you're interested; use the zoom feature on your DVD player to get a good look at what porn stars read -- I like to think of Tommy Gunn taking Lowell's Collected Prose home and curling up by the fire with it, although that's probably not what really happened).

On the minus side, a story that just makes you ask questions if you pay attention to it at all, and Nick Manning's unspeakably irritating catchphrase (although Manning's hilarious performance as the teeth-gritted, outrageously haberdashed pimp is almost enough to counterbalance the grating "I'm droppin' loads" that he insists on bringing to every scene). The verdict -- definitely watchable; the pros far outweigh the cons. Pay attention to Brea and Jenaveve, and you'll have a great time.

Although there is a houseboat in this movie, it could well have been named "The Bookstore" or even "The Pimp's Apartment," since those are also locations in which sex takes place. If you were looking forward to hot houseboat-centric fuckery, though, you should go to Horny Houseboat Housewives, or Boathouse Tushy #5, both of which I will get right to making after I finish this review. The real focus of the movie is Brea Lynn's big tits, which are like a pair of luscious softballs encased in supple golden flesh. They, and the rest of Brea, are in four of the six scenes in The House Boat (more, in fact, than the house boat itself).... Read the Full Review!