Porn of the Dead

In spite of its kick-ass fuck-authority punk pedigree, Porn of the Dead is surprisingly Hays-Code-compliant in its approach to crime and punishment - serial killer Dirty Harry gets his dick bitten off after kidnapping a girl, the angelic little innocent turns out just to have had a bad dream, plastic porn stars get punished for their lack of artistic integrity, and the necrophile asylum attendant dies horribly after molesting a dead patient. The movie has been described as five sex scenes tied together with a zombie storyline, but there's no story here; even the vignettes have no internal story or even dialogue. The scenes all have zombies in them, but there is no narrative to tie them together, and nothing to connect them at all except the gore, which is extensive, so Porn of the Dead is really five little zombie movies instead of one big one (there may have been more story to it at one time, but Metro reportedly had some trouble with the content, requiring some extensive editing before the movie's release. Rob Rotten's new opus is a weird and disjointed piece of punk-rock cockaganda that plays on a lot of clichés, sometimes successfully, sometimes not (in the DVD extras, we get to see Hillary Scott masturbating with a crucifix, a tired visual trope if there ever was one). The sex is energetic, but either some of the girls are just not very excited or their taking their roles as dead people too seriously. Even though most of the girls are the kind of cute, shaggy-haired punky trollops that I like, their attractions are almost completely obscured by zombie makeup, fake blood, and avant-garde lighting and camera work.

Scene 1: Sierra Sinn, Dirty Harry

Harry is a serial killer who apparently finds his victims by the side of the road; Sierra is a wandering zombie. Together, the two make beautiful music together. OK, at least they make lots of noise, although the flies help out with their buzzing. In a scene that's shot in a flickery, sepia, oddly off-speed, old-moviehouse style, Harry finds Sierra out wandering, loads her into his car, and takes her home to a pit he has prepared in his living room. When he comes back with his double-bladed ax to do some chopping, though, she's up and disappeared. It turns out that she's not just filthy, she's some kind of undead nymphomaniac, and she attacks him and hauls out his cock to give him a blowjob from beyond the grave. He doesn't question his good fortune, stripping out of his coveralls and jumping aboard the reanimated girl, fucking her in doggie and reaming both her holes. Tired of being on her hands and knees, Zombie Girl rides him in reverse cowgirl for a while, and he pounds her asshole until he lays her out in missionary, still punishing her sphincter before gunking up her face with a bucketload of jizz. She doesn't take too kindly to it, biting off his cock, drinking the spurting blood and feasting on his dangling essentials. C'est la vie.

Scene 2: Hillary Scott, Alec Knight
Angelic babydoll Hillary Scott, bathed in white light, sporting pigtails and babydoll clothes and armed with a candy pink vibrator, puts on some subversively dirty bubblegum pop and lies down in her well-lit, sunny bedroom to masturbate, which she gets away with for about three minutes, after which she is either magically transported to or falls asleep and begins dreaming about a dark, zombie infested place (it's really her bedroom, which has been made evil by the expedient of turning the lights off and letting a zombie in). where she opens her eyes to find an undead, oatmeal-covered fellow noshing on her pudenda. He realizes quickly that he isn't going to get to her brains very fast that way, and switches to trying to poke a hole in he head with his penis, but he can't get it all the way in there. For fans of gagging, keep a keen ear out here for the noise Hillary makes while she's getting mouthfucked, which is clearly the sound of someone who wants to sound like she's gagging but isn't actually willing to gag - she's mostly just saying "glarglarglar" and "burgleburgleburgle". This zombie is more accommodating than most, so it’s not till the end of the blowjob that he actually gets some choking out of her. He doesn't want to choke her to death, though (although you may by this point), and so he switches strategies again, fucking her with that big hunk of rigor mortis in missionary position and then doggie, opening up her little pink virgin asshole. He stays in her asshole as she rides him in RCG, then tenders some sweet zombie loving in the spoon position, and she finally gargles a zombie shot before waking up in (or being transported back to) her shiny shiny bedroom.

Scene 3: Trina Michaels, Buster Good, Trent T, Joey Ray, Jenner
It's the middle of the night, and a camera crew (listen for hints as to which monolithic but achingly vanilla company they might be from...) is filming a couple enthusiastically boning in the midnight moonlight, when a passel of zombies comes roaring out of the trees sporting plenty of deadwood, kills off the crew, and takes over the fucking duties (if you keep a sharp ear out, you can hear Trina say "but he's not even wearing a condom!" as the zombies close in. Before you know it, she's got one zombie up her ass and another two more dicksmacking her face. Unlike previous zombies, these ones talk, urging her on and saying the sort of mindless "yeah, yeah" stuff you'd expect from single-minded zombies with erections. They may be dead, but they're organized enough that they can agree on how the D.P. is going to work, and soon Trina's bobbing around on a pair of undead boners. Of the girls in this move, Trina is the least attractive, with an unsightly set of fake tits and a nondescript face - presumably to be in sync with Rob Rotten's in-joke re: the aforementioned big porn company's predilection for blondes with soccer-ball boob jobs. Anyway, the three or four zombies- it's hard to tell how many there are - are in her from every angle, choking her and pounding her ass and doubling her up at every opportunity, including a standing D.P. with Trina suspended between them. Eventually Trina ends up on her knees with zombies gathering round to anoint her with whatever it is they use for spunk, and then they apparently wander off. So far in this movie it looks like the guys get killed after zombie sex and the women get off easy. Maybe having to fuck a rotting corpse is bad enough

Scene 4: Ruby Knox, Rob Rotten
Rob Rotten is a super-creepy doctor, or at least a super-creepy guy in a lab coat, who brings super-dead girl Ruby Knox, a bruised up little piece of meat, into what might be an operating room or a mortuary - it's hard to tell - and revives her by using, apparently, his electric tongue and fingers on her pussy. Ruby looks like she'd be really cute if she weren't dead, but in this scene she's pretty yucky-looking. When she wakes up, the guitar kicks in, and Rob's electrically charged cunnilingus brings her fully to life; she starts to heave and moan while Rob finger-fucks her, and then he comes upstairs to fuck her mouth, slapping her face with his cock and pushing it in. After he's punished her mouth for a while, he fucks her doggystyle on the table, then she takes a ride in reverse cowgirl and then missionary before putting her on her knees so he can leave a present in her mouth and on her chin. Rob doesn't at any time take his hat or shoes off for this scene, and it's worth noting that he is the only guy in this movie who doesn't end up either dead or with is dick bitten off.

Scene 5: Nikki Jett, Johnny Thrust
Nikki Jett, a spiky-haired blonde with a delectable, slim body, has managed to kill herself somehow, although she's in a straitjacket and her only tool was a crayon. She's in a rubber room which she has decorated with upside down crosses, and the attendant who finds her has other things on his mind than medical ethics. Although one side of her face is bloody and broken, she's apparently still warm, and he takes the straitjacket off her, noting, after a taste of her pussy, that she hasn't been dead long. Something about the tonguing wakes her up, though, and she lunges up to shove Johnny down on the floor, tearing at his pants to get to his cock, which she sucks with gusto. Everything goes well until she bites off one of his fingers, which pisses him off enough that he wisely decides to get her mouth away from his cock. He gets her on her hands and knees and fucks her from behind, mashing her head against the wall, and after he's had his fill, she climbs on to ride him in cowgirl. Unfortunately, this is the only position in which she is even remotely interesting to watch. I don't know if it was Rob Rotten's decision for her to just lie there and look dead most of the time or if she's just a naturally dead fish, but she's nothing to write home about either way. After the sex, she takes his come in her mouth and then tears his guts out with her teeth. That's what you get for banging her head against the wall, asshole...

So a person has to wonder, what with Grub Girl and Re-Penetrator and now Porn of the Dead, what the fuck is up with the zombie girl porn? Let us leave aside the question of the mindset that would lead someone to make a movie that more or less explicitly states that women want to kill you and eat you, and ask this: seriously, what is it about a dirty girl covered in flies and maggots and shit that might engender a boner, let alone make you want to watch one fuck and kill a guy? Porn of the Dead takes some interesting high-tech approaches to looking low-tech - during some of the scenes, you'll see a hair flickering around the screen, and sometimes the film looks scratched or lined and often the scenes run at the wrong speed, all of which was done in post-production, so the film has a kind of retro art-house feeling to it. Interestingly, too, the sex sounds are all on the left channel, and the music is all on the right, so if for some reason you decide you don't like the music or the zombie grunting gets to you, you can turn one channel or the other down and enjoy whichever one you think is more atmospheric or less annoying. To sum up: if you're looking for a coherent story, if you don't like raucous punk music, if you don't like zombies, if gore gets to you, if you feel you might be bothered by necrophilia, murder, dismemberment, blasphemy or somebody making fun of your favorite big porn studio, steer way clear of Porn of the Dead, but if you like zombies, if the idea of dirty dead girls gets your motor running, or if the idea of rotting corpses defiling blondes does it for you, then this is the movie to watch. I'm betting it won't be the last one, either, since no success in porn goes uncopied.   Collapse.

In spite of its kick-ass fuck-authority punk pedigree, Porn of the Dead is surprisingly Hays-Code-compliant in its approach to crime and punishment - serial killer Dirty Harry gets his dick bitten off after kidnapping a girl, the angelic little innocent turns out just to have had a bad dream, plastic porn stars get punished for their lack of artistic integrity, and the necrophile asylum attendant dies horribly after molesting a dead patient. The movie has been described as five sex scenes tied together with a zombie storyline, but there's no story here; even the vignettes have no internal story or even dialogue. The scenes all have zombies in them, but there is no narrative to tie them together, and nothing to connect them at all except the gore, which is extensive, so Porn of the Dead is really five little zombie movies instead of one big one (there may have been more story to it at one time, but Metro reportedly had some trouble with the content, requiring some extensive editing before the movie's release. ... Read the Full Review!