Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre

Sometimes life imitates art and oftentimes porn imitates mainstream films. Then, once in a while, porn outdoes (or at least keeps pace with) the mainstream. The laboriously-named Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is a horror-film spoof, delivering comedy that is actually funny and hardcore sex that is hot and lasts more than a minute per scene. The plot is a mish-mash of hoary old slasher-pic cliches stitched together haphazardly, but that's the point. The film revels in the cheesiness of horror and Morgan understands the genre enough to make fun of it with broad jokes as well as some snappy dialogue. Add to that truly sexy performances by a bevy of engaging performers and we get a fun little flick…even with all the murder and fake blood.

Scene 1: [Stormy Daniels], [Jessica Drake], [Tommy Gunn], [Voodoo]

In a grouping oddly reminiscent of the Scooby Gang, five college students (using the term loosely) are traveling in a van to the "Metallicide" concert they all mysteriously won tickets to. The characters are familiar archetypes: two jocks, Tommy Gunn the big and dumb one and Voodoo the team captain (also dumb… and it's the badminton team) and two girls, Stormy playing the busty blonde airhead and Jessica the sassy brunette, and the nerd (without whom no gathering of horror cliches would be complete), played ably by Eric Masterson with a constantly rolling video camera and whiny voice. They barrel down the highway until the girls and jocks decide to get it on in the back of the van while Eric tapes from a corner. Stormy, a blonde starlet with large fake breasts and a fine body, gives a good performance. Jessica, slender and brunette, is no slouch either. Even in the cramped quarters, they do a good job of fucking and sucking. Props to the director (Jonathan Morgan) for capturing the action well from the two side doors and Eric's videotaped footage. But mostly, thanks to Stormy and Jessica for giving slow, wet blow-jobs that make me believe oral sex in porn can be saved from the gagging trend. A fine pair and a fine time.

Camp Cuddly Pines references a ton of Hollywood horror flicks throughout, like Scary Movie but with hardcore scenes. Luckily it's not a Paul Thomas morality play - this isn't a film about bad people doing strange things for no reason that suddenly end in death or incarceration in a mental institution. Nope, it's a comedy/horror film and we get comedy that's actually funny (unlike a Paul Thomas comedy). And so it should be no surprise when the kids ram a drifter (three or four times) and decide to simply strap his body to the roof and drive on.

Plans like that never go well. The van breaks down in the spooky woods and, since this is ostensibly a horror film, the body is missing and the kids split up to search for help. The girls find a creepy caretaker and the boys decide to split up again.

Scene 2: [Kinzie Kenner], [Scott Nails]

The girls find the creepy caretaker who tells of the curse of Camp Cuddly Pines, and the first murder, which we see in a flashback to 1958, a time of innocence and unconvincing period costumes… Unaware that they're being watched, Kinzie and Scott decide to go further than heavy petting, which starts with an energetic blow-job from the cute, slender, and small-breasted Kinzie. She's got a dirty mouth for a '50s chick. Not that I'm complaining. They deliver some fun action (including a well-shot piledriver) and it's a shame to see Kinzie murdered with an electric knife.

According to creepy caretaker (who, it should be mentioned, is played over-the-top excellently by Mike Horner) the boy who murdered Kinzie was the spawn of…

Scene 3: [Katja Kassin], [Rebecca Love], [Rita Faltoyano], [Taryn Thomas], [Manuel Ferrara]

…the insane women of a mental institution who accosted their male orderly! OK, how the kid is supposed to be the offspring of all these women is a mystery but the "spawn of maniacs" bit is classic horror schtick so play along. Anyway, poor Manuel Ferrara, playing the asylum orderly, has his clipboard viciously knocked away and his clothes horrifyingly taken from him by…um, four unarmed, wee, crazy girls in a padded room. Poor little fella. The women have hungry mouths, are well-breasted, and are so batshit insane that they… uh, apparently have a condom on hand. OK, it's a thin plot device, but the fucking is pretty good. Manuel does his best impression of a jackhammer on most of them in various positions and the girls manage to stay involved in the action even if they aren't getting poled. Not a bad feat and it makes for a better time all around. Plus the three-girls-high doggy-style stack is intriguing. And Manuel, impressively, manages to give all four inmates a facial. Must have eaten his tuna that day.

Following along so far? To summarize, the crazy ladies and the orderly made a baby that was adopted out and, as a boy, killed his adopted sister (Kinzie) and then…became groundskeeper for Camp Cuddly Pines. It's all coming together. And then another flashback…

Scene 4: [Katie Morgan], [Kris Slater]

Two campers in 1985 (you can tell it's 1985 because Kris and Katie say "bitchin" a lot) decide to have sex on the dock. Katie is a slender, pretty blonde with unfortunate bolt-on breasts and a sultry rasp to her voice. They suck and pound by the lake. Katie rides so well in reverse cowgirl that they decide to loop it twice for our viewing pleasure, which may well be a very subtle in-joke, a nod to the notorious looping that was so prevalent in eighties porn. Despite that (hardly noticeable) trickery the two of them perform well and we get camera angles worth seeing. Unfortunately for them, the clown-masked killer is nearby; possibly upset about the cheesy scene-lengthening tactic of looping footage, he kills them both with a cordless drill.

Back to the creepy caretaker, who explains that the killer was set loose and then killed by an angry mob (sound familiar?), and having related that tale, tells the girls they can stay in one of the camp cabins for the night.

Scene 5: [Cherokee], [Tommy Gunn]

Meanwhile, and for no discernible reason, Tommy runs into an Indian spirit shaped like Cherokee, smooth, petite, and solid. Sexy girl. She reveals that the camp is built on her tribe's burial grounds. And that she wants his dick. She proves that an undead Indian is a good Indian by sucking him very skillfully and riding him like a champ. Cherokee has a wonderful tight little body, toned and svelte. The girl has obviously been to the gym and the results are worth watching. Plus she's a great performer (if not a great actress). I'll look for her again, although I hope she doesn't always turn into a killer raccoon and disembowel her mate after the come shot like she does in this movie.

Scene 6: [Devon Michaels], [Randy Spears]

The other two guys get chased back to the van and are reunited with the girls. Meanwhile, creepy caretaker calls the sheriff on his CB and we find out that Randy Spears, doing his best R. Lee Ermey impression, is responsible for law in these woods. He has Devon against his squad car and doesn't waste the opportunity this tawny brunette represents. She's got a large fake rack, toned legs, and a salacious laugh that goes well with the hummer she gives him. They fuck all over the hood, showing off Devon's fine form in various positions and having a good time, it seems.

Scene 7: [Nicole Sheridan], [Voodoo]

Once at the cabin the kids send Voodoo out for firewood. He stumbles upon a spooky girl who climbs out of a well…like you do in these movies. She's jittery and very capable at sucking cock, despite being water-logged. Nicole's a tall and well-built woman (with the most upturned nose I've ever seen), and hearing her feral growl as she gets fucked is pretty sexy. Again, Morgan uses the camera well, showing off Nicole and getting us solid views of the action. And then, despite the well-girl's importunings, Voodoo gets killed. Three to go!

Scene 8: Jessica Drake, Eric Masterson

It's Stormy's turn to go out and find wood, leaving Jessica and nerd-Eric alone. Turns out he's videotaping all the time because he's obsessed with Jess. Lucky for him, this turns her on. Lucky for us, Jessica is a consummate pro at hummers (in fact, the quality of the oral sex in this movie has been high throughout). She keeps talking, sultry and quiet, as they fuck. It adds another level of heat to a hot scene. Jessica is great to watch, her slender body moving with languid grace. After seeing her portray an abrasive character for so long, the contrast is stark and pleasing.

Scene 9: [Stormy Daniels], [Eric Masterson]

Stormy runs into Voodoo's corpse and then runs into Sheriff Randy, who isn't happy to see her. She runs off screaming. Jessica and Eric hear some scary noises and get waylaid by the sheriff as well. Jessica runs off screaming. Then after some more hard talk from sheriff Randy, Eric runs off screaming. Sadly, it is Jessica's turn to meet the killer, who shows no mercy despite her wicked cool robot and cabbage-patch dancing.

Which leaves us with the final two, Stormy and Eric, who happen to bump into each other in the night and slip into a blow-job. Unlike the van scene at the beginning, we get to focus more on Stormy's skills and assets. She's engaged in the action, gives a fine show, and is easy on the eyes. I think I'm a fan.

However, hot as Stormy is, her character is one of the two killers, the other being her crazy mutilated dad. With the help of sheriff Randy, Eric escapes and goes on to make an award-winning documentary with the video he's been filming throughout the movie.

Scene 10: [Keri Sable], [Eric Masterson]

With awards come fame and a groupie, in the form of Keri. She's an exotic looking girl, skinny and tan, who wants to be in pictures. Luckily, Eric has his camera and an erection so they get started. Keri, not to be outdone by the rest of the women in the film, is an excellent cocksucker. Too thin for my taste (a Paris Hilton look), but she's got the right attitude. They play nicely in various positions, including a doggy that involves a dildo to fill her other hole as he pumps away. Well done but not as impressive as the actual, honest to god deep-throating she does. That's right, his cock goes all the way into her mouth without any gagging or retching or quacking noises. Bravo!

And the final outcome? That would be telling…

DVD special features: There is a huge amount of extras in this three-disc set. The first disc has the movie plus a commentary track (worth listening to). Disc Two has the "true" tale of Cuddly Pines featurette (a funny behind the scenes), casting videos (also funny), location scouting videos, the "Girls of Camp Cuddly Pines" (video of their press photo shoots), and a weird flash animation cartoon of Brickhouse Betty with Stormy plus a making of vid (dull). Disc Two is packed - there's more with bloopers, a strip trivia game with Keri Sable, the Rayford Cam that shows the footage Eric Masterson got on his camcorder, behind the scenes sex reel, and a trailer. Disc Three has: extended sex scenes, bonus scenes from two different movies and one from Cuddly Pines, a photo gallery, star stats, sex scene galleries, behind the scenes photo gallery, the Wicked DVD catalog, promo material, URLs, awards, the company profile, and ten trailers. Jeez…   Collapse.

Sometimes life imitates art and oftentimes porn imitates mainstream films. Then, once in a while, porn outdoes (or at least keeps pace with) the mainstream. The laboriously-named Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is a horror-film spoof, delivering comedy that is actually funny and hardcore sex that is hot and lasts more than a minute per scene. The plot is a mish-mash of hoary old slasher-pic cliches stitched together haphazardly, but that's the point. The film revels in the cheesiness of horror and Morgan understands the genre enough to make fun of it with broad jokes as well as some snappy dialogue. Add to that truly sexy performances by a bevy of engaging performers and we get a fun little flick…even with all the murder and fake blood.... Read the Full Review!