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Nina Hartley's Sex Tips

Tip #1: Everybody does anal

Anal pleasure is a co-ed delight. Everyone has a butt, and everyone can learn to enjoy some anal stimulation, even if it's not full-on intercourse.

TIP #2: A woman’s most important skill

The most important skill a woman brings to a sexual encounter is the ability to give herself an orgasm.

Tip #3: A man's most important skill

The most important skill a man brings to a sexual encounter is the ability to maintain an erection, and remain in the pleasure zone w/o thinking of baseball scores, for at least twenty minutes.

Tip #4: Gift to ourselves

The most important gift we can give ourselves sexually is the gift of acceptance of our essential sexual natures. Only when we can be OK with who we are in the bedroom can we hope to find partners with whom to build a life outside of it.

Tip #5: Men are adaptable

Men are well advised to teach themselves to masturbate to orgasm while wearing a condom, to acclimate themselves to the sensation. This permits them to spend more energy on their eventual partners than on worrying about whether or not they'll be able to maintain an erection with a rubber.

Tip #6: Be stocked...with good product

Every man needs to find out what is least-hated/favorite condom is, and to always have a supply. Ditto his favorite lube.

Tip #7: Use your own flavor

Stay away from flavored, colored or heating lubricants. They have a high tendency to cause irritation.

Tip #8: Knee pains

If you're going to be serious about performing fellatio, put a pillow under your knees. You want to be able to do this for many years, so take care of the equipment.

Tip #9: Nipples vs. Earlobes

Show someone how you like to have your nipples sucked by sucking on your partner's earlobes exactly how you want them to stimulate your nipples. The nerve distribution is very similar.

Tip #10: Attention to detail

The clitoris is a tiny phallus. Keep this in mind when you have your mouth on it. Suck, don't lick.

Tip #11: Be a genius at eating pussy

Men: how would you want head if your cock was only as big as the last digit of your little finger? Do that to her and you'll be genius.

Tip #12: That's why it's called a 'woody'

Women: suck and jerk more firmly than you think. Erections are surprisingly sturdy things.

Tip #13: Watch and learn

Watch each other masturbate so you can pick up helpful hints on how your partner likes to be stimulated.

Tip #14: Guide each other

No one "gives" you an orgasm. Our partners can only facilitate or hinder our finding our own orgasm.

Tip #15: Common courtesy

Generosity is a great gift to our lovers, but take care not to be a door mat. "No, thanks," is a complete sentence, as is "Sure!"

Tip #16: Pure state of mind

If you can't do a thing without being drunk or high, you're just not ready. Needing any more than one drink is a warning sign to slow down and reconsider.

Tip #17: You can wait

It's okay not to be ready for something, even if you've been fantasizing about it for a long time. Better to wait for the right time than to force the issue and perhaps screw everything up.

Tip #18: One or the other

If you're shaved down below, be shaved. If you're furry, be furry. Just don't bring me a five o'clock shadow and expect me to rub my face in it.

Tip #19: Smell good and taste good

Don't put perfume or cologne on any part of your body that you want your partner to kiss or lick. That stuff is bitter!

Tip #20: Fear vs. Pleasure

If you're so worried about disease or pregnancy that it prevents you from relaxing enough to enjoy sex play, take intercourse off the table and get creative on how many ways you can share pleasure w/o it. You'd be surprised at how liberating it can be to free yourself from that fear w/o turning into a celibate hermit.

Tip #21: Different wrap, different time

Use a new pair of gloves whenever you penetrate your partner. It keeps everything clean and cuts down on pesky, minor infections, as well as protecting tender parts from getting scraped by a rough nail.

Tip #22: Dirty = Clean

There is no reason to be unsanitary while one is being dirty.

Tip #23: Warning: Do not try this at home

Porn Is Fantasy. Performers Are Professionals. Your Milage May Vary. Don't Necessarily Try This At Home.

Tip #24: Ask first

Always ask permission before trying something new that you saw in a video or read in a book. You don't want to start a fight when all you meant to do was have more fun.

Tip #25: I want you

Enthusiasm for your partner is the single biggest turn on. Let them know you want them, and want to have fun with them.

Tip #26: At home vs. on screen

Anal sex at home is NOT the same as anal sex on camera, and doesn't happen the same way. We cut out all of the "boring," getting-ready parts, as well as the not-quite-working parts.

Tip #27: Ups and Downs

Unlike movies, a man's erection may come and go during lovemaking. Don't worry. Find something fun to do in the meantime.

Tip #28: It takes a little time

Unlike movies, women don't often have orgasms every 2.5 minutes. Pay attention to the real person in your bed, not a two-dimensional picture on the screen.

Tip #29: Men and Toys

Vibrators are a man's best friend. They are labor-saving devices. Don't be afraid of a little machine, but learn to work with it. You'll be a hero in bed.

Tip #30: Catch his eye

Men are visual, so smart women learn to present their attributes in a pleasing way. Spend the money on the only-for-sex push up bra and the highest heels you can manage. You'll both benefit.

Tip #31: Great lovers steal

While porn isn't always a "how-to" manual, it can give you ideas that you can tweak to work for you and your partner. Don't be afraid to plagiarize!

Tip #32: Reading can be exciting

Find a sex story anthology and read to each other while naked. It's a nice way to amp up the energy, as well as find out new things about what turns your partner on.

Tip #33: It starts with the lips

Learn how to kiss well. It's the most effective arousal mechanism there is (besides the foot rub!)

Tip #34: Time is of the essence

Don't try to have an important conversation about sex a) just before sex, b) just after it, c) during a fight. Plan your conversation for when distractions are low and you have enough time.

Ask Nina
    ...to ask for Nina's advice, email nina@gamelink.comTop ^

Dear Nina,

I am married to an older man — 17 year difference — he seems to want to have sex and even got Viagra to help him with his "ED". But he gives me the impression he just not into it anymore. I am 60 and he is 77. We have been together for 37 years and had great sex until he was 65. After that age, he just stopped. I am still "hot" for sex and like having it anytime, anywhere. I get the movies, toys, clothes and other things that I think will turn him on, but nothing seems to be working. As for the Viagra, he thinks it will work by just taking the pill and waiting. I keep trying to show him that it needs help and will work better. I am at the end of my rope and don't know what else to do. Any ideas or suggestions?


Frustrated and Horny
Provincetown, R.I.

Dear Frustrated,

My condolences on your frustration. I understand it well. There are several things going on here and each will issue will be resolved on a different timetable.

After many years of marriage and an overall good sex life your sexual needs and desires have diverged. His lower interest/libido is not uncommon in a man his age. If he's taking the Viagra just because it's something YOU want, and not him, it won't work. He may "seem to want it," just to make you happy. Of course, that's not enough if he doesn't feel physically horny any longer.

You're correct in saying that simply taking the pill w/o engaging in foreplay will not facilitate erections. But does he even WANT to be sexual any longer? It can happen with some men that when they can no longer have sex in the manner to which they became accustomed, they no longer want to try. Not all men are willing to learn a new way to have sex after so many years. The more pressure they feel to perform the less likely they'll be able.

If his libido is gone and he doesn't want it back, that is a loss to be mourned. All of the lingerie in the world won't help here, nor will your desire be able to spark his as it once did.

This leaves you with a difficult choice. Since you're "still hot for it any time, any place," it's not fair to expect you to simply give up on sex until you're a widow. All that will do is built resentment on your part which will damage the relationship as much as, if not more than, the lack of intimacy.

If you don't mind masturbation, do plenty of it to help reduce your sexual frustration and to keep your mood in a good place. Ask him if he's willing to act as a masturbation assistant, as you don't want to shut him out completely and want to share sexual energy with him, even if he's not in the mood, himself.

He can hold you while you pleasure yourself, play with your boobs, kiss you, read you a dirty story, etc. If he's not willing to participate, then gently let him know that you'll be needing some "alone time" several times a week in order to get yourself off.

Is negotiated non-monogamy is something that you can contemplate? If your orientation is monogamous and you can't think of having a lover, or don't want one, then masturbation will have to become your new best friend. As you can see, this is a complex issue. If you can't think of having outside partners then the choices are much starker: masturbate and just have a cuddle buddy for life, or separate, which seems a shame after so many years together.

If negotiated non-monogamy is something that can be discussed, then you can bring it up that you want to explore the possibility of finding a lover or "fuck buddy," perhaps a husband whose wife has lost interest, but from who he doesn't want to divorce.

If you and your husband have a basically good relationship, then the discussion can progress. He may be angry, hurt, shocked, upset, judgmental, or more, but you have a right to be sexually happy, just as he has a right not to be sexually interested any longer.

Some couples develop a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as the daily routine of the non-sexual spouse isn't too disrupted, many couples come to an "understanding" or an "arrangement," whereby the sexual needs of one partner are met w/o the other partner losing face. Or, as one friend puts it, "Do what you want, just be home in time for dinner/recital/theater/bridge with the Smiths."

Hopefully, his love for you and respect for your needs will allow your husband to support you in what you must do, and your love for him will help you to do what you must with care and compassion for both of you.

Good luck!


Dear Nina,

My wife and I are in our mid 40's and when we got back together after my first wife dying and her divorce we did a lot of oral sex. Now 6 yrs later she says that oral sex is nasty and she will rarely do me and occasionally let me do her. I love giving her oral sex and she says she really gets off on me doing her.

My question is: how do I get her to allow me to do more oral sex to her and have her understand that I get off on getting her off?



Dear Michael,

It's rare that a person suddenly stops wanting to do something in bed that they admit to enjoying a lot, seemingly for no reason. You need to address this directly. Since she's told you in the past she enjoys oral sex, ask her as tactfully as possible what's changed. Don't let her put you off with vague answers, as this is a big change in the status quo. If you've agreed to be monogamous, her unilaterally cutting off such an important aspect of shared pleasure and intimacy signifies something serious and you deserve an honest reply. But you may need some diplomatic finesse to get that reply.

Ask what's "nasty" about oral sex now that wasn't "nasty" before. Be as kind as possible, as no good information is exchanged when one person feels interrogated by the other. If her defenses come up and she avoids answering, drop the discussion for the time being and bring it up in a few days. Keep prodding, gently but firmly, until you get a satisfactory response. You may not like what you finally hear, but at least you'll have a starting point for further negotiation of your mutual boundaries. There could be factors at work unknown to you. Changes in health can affect our body chemistry and how we taste or smell to others, at least in our own perception. Perhaps she's feeling less attractive in some way, or her attraction to you may have diminished, which she expresses it by withholding oral sex.

We can't "get" our partners to do anything in bed. We can only ask them sincerely what they want, and what we can do to please them. Find out what her reservations are and reassure her as well as you're able. Marriage is about compromise and it remains to be seen what compromises can be made in your situation.

Good luck,


Dear Nina,

Okay Nina, I have seen you in many many movies and I'm curious about size. I imagine you have experienced virtually every size cock out from average to huge...does it matter in the end? (no pun intended).

Me: I am about 6 1/2 inches hard, 5 " all around and all those hung porn stars makes me feel like I have a french fry.



Dear Charlie,

Dear me, no matter how many times I answer this question it still pops up all the time (no pun intended). In a nutshell, cock size is such a small part of how "good" a man is in bed I can't begin to tell you. 

Keep in mind that men in porn are extra big because it's PORN. A fantasy. A live-action cartoon. A visual medium. For there to be at least four inches of cock showing for the camera (not needed at home, keep in mind), an average porn dude needs to be a hefty 8 inches, and in porn 8 inches is considered average (and is 2.5 inches above the national average).

Of all of the many hundreds of women with whom I've had sex fewer than 10% have been bona fide "size queens," meaning that they really want/need to fuck erections of 8+ inches. Like the porn star Tina Tyler, some women are built extra-roomy, the way some men are built extra beefy. May they find each other.

Being fucked by a too-big cock is simply uncomfortable and not sexy, and no one can relax and have a good time: she for fear of being hurt and him for fear of hurting her.

Most women, even when fully aroused, are less than 7 inches deep, meaning that a 5.5 inch cock is good for that nice, deep grinding and rocking that really gets women off. Vigorous thrusting as you see in porn is a shitty way to get women off, as few women can come without direct clitoral stimulation of some kind. If your cock is not too long, she can use your pubic bone to grind her clit while that action swizzles your dick inside of her. Very effective.

When I'm with women I use two fingers and get them off very well. Why? Because I know what I'm doing and where best to use leverage, friction, etc., so educate yourself.

My Guide to the Bi-Curious Woman tells you everything you need to know about how to use your hands to please a woman. Once you're really good with your hands you can copy what you do with your cock.

Women remember, and come back to seek, the entirety of the experience: did she like your company? Did she laugh with you and feel sexy and smart? Do you kiss well? Do you have good hands? Are you well-groomed? Do you pay attention to her and her feelings and responses? Did she feel seen and accepted? You know, what all people want from a sexual encounter.

What we don't like is men who apologize for the size of their cocks, or who seem insecure. Just as we don't like being with women who constantly are self-deprecating about their thighs,  weight, etc., so, too, do women not want to be a babysitter in the bedroom.

So work to develop cock control, which is the ability to stay hard and present, without resorting to a mental review of baseball stats. Be happy with what you've got, since it's beefy and above-average. By the sound of it you've got a really nice dick: big enough to feel fucked but "small" enough to fit into a mouth w/o making her jaw sore.

When people ask me what is my favorite size of dick I always tell them this: Whatever size it is that allows my knees to go over your shoulders, your balls to slap on my ass and for me to say, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, more!"

Hope this helps!


Dear Nina,

I am attached to the swinging lifestyle. My greatest passion is cuckolding, love when my girlfriend has intercourse with other men. I do not why but I am excited, as you cannot imagine. Can you give me some tips or videos to make these experiences more interesting?

I am your fan about swinging. You have done GREAT in movies like your Guide to Swinging, Guide to Threesomes and so many things you have contributed for the lifestyle.

Appreciate your answer a LOT (I admire you)


Swinging John

Dear John,

Congratulations on discovering, and accepting, your personal turn-on. Do you have a partner who will play this game with you? I know swinging women love for their partner to actively get off on seeing them have a good time with another man. It is not uncommon to find swinging couples where the man prefers to watch his wife or girlfriend with other men, but it’s not always an active cuckold fantasy, more often simply voyeurism combined with “shy dick” syndrome. When he gets his wife or girlfriend home, she gets it good and hard!

The cuckold fantasy is a little different, as it takes the active participation of the other players to go along with the game. There is a growing sub-genre of porn with cuckolding as its theme, very often combined with the added element of interracial sex, as the cuckold and his wife are usually White, while the outside male partner is often Black.  My favorite series is by Sean Michaels, and I do a scene with him and my “husband,” in Sean Michaels Evil Cuckold 2. I believe the series is now in its 4th volume.

As to how to make the fantasy more exciting, the most important thing is make sure that your female partner shares it with you and wants to play her part. Once you find this person, talk it over as to what specific words or phrases you get off on hearing. Do you want to be “ridiculed” for your poor performance or “tiny cock?” (It doesn’t have to be true, just hot for you to hear). Do you just like watching hardcore sex live and close up? Do you want her, him, or them, to keep up a patter as if you’re not there, talking about you in the third person? Do you want eventually to get in on the action, yourself, or will you wait till you get home, or for another day, to make love to your partner? Would you rather prefer to masturbate as you watch them fuck? The key here is to know, as much as you can, exactly WHAT about the fantasy is so hot, to make it easier to create a scenario that suits you the best.

As you can see, there are many little things that need addressing in order to make the action fit your fantasy just right.  I’ve mentioned a few but you’ll find more of your own, no doubt. The key is communication and getting the agreement of all involved. Nothing is less sexy than someone who can’t make his desires clear, or is still feeling guilt about them. Once you’ve achieved that level of personal acceptance you can negotiate from that point without shame or embarrassment.

The cuckold  (as opposed to the voyeur) turn-on is often related to fantasies of male submissiveness or bisexual curiosity. If you think you may be tending toward feeling submissive in the bedroom (which has nothing to do with how you are outside of it), or a desire to suck some cock, yourself, then that’s another series of conversations to have with a potential lover.

Good luck, and thanks for watching!

- Nina

Dear Nina --

I’m 43 years old and I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years. When we’re having sex, I notice that I always get there before she does. Do you have any good tips for helping me slow down and get her off first?


Speedy in Connecticut

Dear Speedy,

It will help you feel a little better to know that you are not alone. Studies have shown that, on average, men reach orgasm in about five minutes while women usually need about twenty minutes of stimulation in order to reach the Big O.

Has your wife expressed any dissatisfaction in your lovemaking experiences? Does she come at all? Does she masturbate during sex with you (often necessary for a woman to come), or on her own, just for fun? I hope it has not gotten to the point of anger or resentment, which I can't help you with here.

Your wife may not want to get off first, so you should ask what she does want. I'm good for one orgasm in a session, and when I come I lose interest in intercourse. So, I prefer for my husband to come first and then help me get the rest of the way there. If your wife is able to have more than one orgasm, then using your hands, toys and/or mouth to help her come once or twice before you begin intercourse may be a help. If she doesn't come before you begin intercourse the pre-fucking masturbation may get her close enough that she can get the rest of the way there while you are inside of her. Don't forget: most women need direct clitoral stimulation to get off, no matter how much they love the cock.

There are many small vibrators that are designed to be unobtrusive, or to be used during intercourse, that may be just the help she needs. Or you can try one of the cock ring/vibrator combos that are so popular right now. Those work best when you're deep inside of her and rocking back and forth, grinding your pubic bones together, rather than during vigorous stroking. As well, rocking and grinding instead of stroking may help you ride out the first desire to ejaculate.

There are several books that instruct men on how to teach themselves to last longer. This takes "homework," but the homework is fun! The best one is by Mantak Chia, The Multi-Orgasmic Man. You may not learn to be multi-orgasmic but you can teach yourself to last as long as you want by developing "cock control." Cock control is not about filling your mind with un-sexy images or ideas, the proverbial, "thinking about batting scores or dead puppies." It involves learning how to stay in the pleasure zone, fully present to you and your wife, AND lasting as long as you want.

I address this issue in my book, Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex, but I don't devote the whole book to it.

In a nutshell, it means using masturbation as a way to "train" your cock and not just as a way to relieve stress or pop one off before going to sleep.

When you masturbate there is the moment you know when orgasm is inevitable and then there is the moment 30 seconds before that. Identify that moment 30 seconds before inevitability and then switch up: the pressure, the stroke, the position, the hand you're using, etc., or employ the classic "squeeze" technique, where you squeeze your penis, right behind the head, firmly, while breathing deeply, until the urge to come passes. After 30-60 seconds, you'll be able to continue with the masturbation. When you can get close to orgasm and back off w/o shooting, five times in a session, you should be able to do the same with your wife. Even if you have to pull out of her to squeeze your cock, that will be fine, as you'll be right back in her soon. While you're squeezing your cock she can be stroking her clit as you talk dirty to her.

The secret is not to keep it a secret. Talk about this with her so that any "fix" you come up with is something for which she's on board, as well. This is a team effort.

And if you finish "too soon," catch your breath and then offer to help your wife to finish up, if she's not quite had enough. My husband will play with my boobs, kiss me, play with my butt, etc., while I use the Hitachi on myself. It never takes me more than five minutes to finish, as I'm already quite turned on by all that we've done so far.

The key is patience and communication.

Party on, and let me know how it goes!

- Nina

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